It's A Dirty Job...
Writing Porn For Fun and
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Sheets Magazine.
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What I Didn't Know:
By C.B. Potts
Thirteen of her best columns on sex writing!
Giggling Into The Pillow
By Chris Bridges
From the Publisher:
"If you think sex is serious, solemn, and never ever to be taken lightly, put the book down now and back away slowly. You may want to wash..."
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Silly Sex For Silly People!
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The Perils Of Being A Sex Writer
by Chris Bridges
Excerpted from the book "Giggling Into The Pillow"
Yeah, it sounds great. Spend your days, your nights, endlessly researching sex and all its positions, permutations and possibilities until you can't walk no more. Instantly know the answer to any question anyone could ever ask you about the whole sticky business. Get more poon than Woody Harrelson. Get bulk discounts at Good Vibrations, get a good seat at Spago's, get head from passing supermodels while their husbands hold their hair out of the way. Is that what you think it's like?
Well, yes, it is. But you can't imagine the responsibilities, the pressures, the sheer volume of knowledge you're expected to retain to earn the honored title "Sex Expert." If you choose this twisted career path as your own, here's what you can expect:
First off, there's the studying. It was easy for Masters and Johnson; they were making it up as they went along. But now there are thousands of sex books written every year -- millions if you include the online crap -- and you have to know every word. Just because you had a lot of boyfriends in college doesn't mean you can start publishing right out of the gate; that amateur stuff won't wash in today's sex-savvy market.
You've got to know that a "Flying Philadelphia Fuck" traditionally involves a rocking chair, and that Havelock Ellis didn't write "Deathbird Stories." You have to know instinctively which chakra controls sexuality (hint: the one in the elbow) and which hot lube is more environmentally safe (hint: "I Can't Believe It's Not Bear Grease"). You have to keep a constant mental list of the best brothels in Amsterdam, Los Angeles, Seoul, Tijuana and Dubuque. You have to stay on the cutting edge of medicine so you can answer embarrassing questions with confidence, such as "Which Jell-O transmits the AIDS virus the fastest in a bathtub?" You must be able to identify Egyptian erotic sigils by touch and every possible human fluid by taste. To be able to force that much accumulated human knowledge into your brain, I recommend selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, in horse dosages.
Next, you have to be personally experienced yourself. Marrying your high school sweetheart and maintaining a lifetime lover total of maybe two is not going to qualify you for your own radio call-in show, not on FM, baby. You need to experience every aspect of sexuality, regardless of how personally repulsive you may find it, or how anatomically awkward you may have thought it was. Read the great novels of unbridled sexuality -- "My Life and Loves" by Frank Harris, "Fanny Hill" by John Cleland, or "Lady Chatterley's Lover" by D.H. Lawrence. Non-stop chain-fucking, all of them, and that's your goal. Push your body to its upper limits and then screw right through them. But don't expert to live a long life. You'll be healthy, with some surprisingly well-developed muscles in odd places, but the shelf life of a sex writer is not high. Dr. Ruth Westheimer is, in fact, only 33 years old. She knew the risks.
You have to be able to analyze the sex lives of your friends and family, even if they don't know you're watching. You must always keep that impartial observer alive in your skull.
"You like that, baby? Huh?"
"Ooohh, god, yes!"
"How about this?"
"Aagh! Oh, Jesus...!"
"Better than before?"
"Oh yeah, lover, yeah, just keep..."
"How much better?"
"...unh... what?"
"On a scale from 1 to 10, how much better?"
"What? Oooh... I don't know, 6 times better."
"Really? That's interesting..." [makes a note]
"What... what are you doing?"
"Nothing, baby. You are between the ages of 18 to 24, right?"
Don't expect to keep a loving relationship going for very long. Not only does it limit you to an unsatisfactorily small statistical universe, but sex writers are better when they're anguished and single. No one wants to read about happily married people; they want to read about other tortured single people, just with more hot stories. Only after you've assembled many years of wild dating stories can you allow yourself domestic bliss. Would Cynthia Heimel, Anka Radakovich, or Inspector Gadget's wife from "Sex In the City" be as intriguing if they were all happily married? I say no! Maybe if they were all married to each other...
Then there's the public pressure. Just like doctors, lawyers, and taxidermists, everyone you run into keeps asking you for free services. "Is my dick too small?" "Are my breasts too big?" "Why won't my wife/husband/dog let me (fill in blank)?" "Does this feel inflamed?" "What's Madonna really like?" It's aggravating having people in your golfing foursome drop their pants and ask you the best ways to check for testicular cancer. You don't dare let yourself be recognized on public transportation, lest you be inundated with requests for advice on multiple infidelity, anal sex, and necrophilia (or all three) from society's less fragrant members. It's so rude how beautiful women will come up to you in restaurants and ask for tips on their deep-throating techniques.
Well, actually, that's pretty cool, but the rest is still annoying.
And the worst part of the whole thing -- you have to write about it all. You have to let people read about all the sick, depraved, twisted things you've done, with diagrams. If you become popular, you might even get on a national talk show where everyone can see you, even your mom.
There is an upside, don't get me wrong. Your sex life, at least theoretically, improves. You're expected to surf for porn on the net at work. When you meet a new lover, you can coast on your reputation the first few times. You get on some amazing mailing lists. They let you get on stage at Aerosmith concerts. You get personal phone calls from Janet Reno, often with heavy breathing and minimal security taps.
And you get to write stuff like this.
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