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========================================= Holy Cow! I'm sure I'm not the only one to suddenly realize that it's (gack!) only two weeks till Christmas. Guess I better get a move on, eh?! I actually love Christmas, along with most other holidays, but sometimes it feels like I'm working so hard I don't dare take a break! Better get over that feeling pretty quick, given the date... On a holiday related note, I'm offering the book, It's a Dirty Job, at the low, low price of only $6.95 till midnight on December 25th. Yeehaw! Wait...I mean Welcome to all of you new MomsOnLine subscribers! There was just a bit of controversy concerning my porn writing mom essay, although luckily I, personally, only received a few nasty resonses. Mostly I got positive feedback from y'all, thanks! Speaking of recent subscribers, if you signed up thru egroups (which is merging with Yahoo, by the way, that should be interesting) in the last two weeks you got the fourth newsletter and not the fifth, so feel free to check out the backissues page to see what you missed. In this issue we've got a fantastic article, Staying Clean While Writing Dirty, by Don Vaughan, a great book review on The Bald Headed Hermit, An Erotic Thesaurus, by Kathy Ptacek, a coupla markets, an update on the markets book and some fun stories concerning pseudonyms...
Katy My destiny became clear on January 28, 1986, the day the Miami Herald called to ask me what I meant by the phrase "going around the world" in a letter published in the Forum section of Playboy magazine. "It's a joke," I told the reporter, an older woman who had no idea what I was talking about. "I can't really explain it." That letter in Playboy, which suggested that the Lake Worth, Florida, Chamber of Commerce publicize the fact that Lake Worth's prostitutes were cheaper than those in Tampa, plunged me into an unexpected storm of publicity. When the Miami Herald article broke - on the front page of the Palm Beach County section, no less - my mother and father were livid, the entire Lake Worth Police Department was greatly displeased, and the director of the Lake Worth Chamber of Commerce wanted my young head on a platter. (I received no word from the local hookers, but I like to think they appreciated the publicity). People asked me why I did it. Writing is my love; it's what I do, I told them. Even when it's less than pleasant and gets me in trouble. That's still true today, only more so. As a freelance writer, I must go where the money is. And over the years, that trek has taken me on some strange and twisted journeys. Like Disney World, where I explored the intricacies of sex in the Haunted Mansion and on Pirates of the Caribbean for Screw and an Australian magazine called People (no relation to the American rag by the same name). The Screw article was a straight how-to, but the People piece required photos. So I shlepped to Florida's most popular theme park with a couple of friends and spent the day snapping pix of them groping each other on every ride we went on. Miraculously, no mouse-eared security goons arrived to escort us out, and the mission was a success. Without question, People and its even more sordid cousin, The Picture, have plunged me into the weirdest situations of my life. Over the years, I've written about: *A lesbian capybara - the largest member of the rodent family - which escaped from the Dreher Park Zoo in West Palm Beach and terrorized tourists and locals alike for nearly three months. (The editors decided she was a lesbian because she supposedly had escaped to avoid the advances of her new boyfriend). *Porn stud Jerry Butler, who went on at length in an expensive long-distance telephone interview about how lousy Traci Lords was in bed. *A Florida entrepreneur who's making big bucks manufacturing life-like rubber replicas of women's feet for foot fetishists with too much expendable income. What they do with the feet, you don't want to know. *An iguana that starved to death when police confiscated its owner's stash of marijuana (and charged her with possession). The woman - a psychic healer who spent nearly all her time in the upstairs bathroom of her South Palm Beach condo waiting to hear from God - swore the dope was just for the lizard's benefit, a fact proved by the iguana's ultimate and tragic demise. *Sperm banks for dogs. How do they get it? Well, let's just say the donors don't give it up willingly. *The skyrocketing market for fossilized dinosaur poop following the release of Jurassic Park. *Housewife hooker Kathy Willets, who, upon being nabbed for prostitution, told cops that Prozac had made her a nymphomaniac and sex with eight or more men a day was just therapy for her condition. Without question, sex has proved to be a subject that editors simply can't get enough of. I cut my teeth on letters to Playboy, but realized my calling a few years later when I tried my hand at hardcore porno paperbacks - a writing situation that proved difficult to explain to my parents and far from lucrative. But it was fun and educational, which is the very least I can say about nearly everything I've written. Take, for example, the stuff I've penned for the sexually warped folks at Screw, Al Goldstein's version of the New York Times. In addition to my article on sex at Disney World (which was a hell of a lot of fun to research, actually), I've written about horror and erotica, penis enlargement, and a visit to a popular Central Florida strip club which culminated in a very drunk friend being lactated upon and not even knowing it. Hustler is another market that's taken me on more than one bizarre voyage. My first piece for that esteemed publication was a feature on the above-mentioned Kathy Willets - a story that took on a life of its own and, like some twisted Universal monster, refused to die. It took me more than six months to research because Kathy and her attorney, Ellis Rubin, kept throwing monkeywrench after monkeywrench into the South Florida judicial system. It finally concluded with Kathy going to jail - but it still hasn't gone away. Having done her time, Kathy is now an exotic dancer and porn princess, proving once again that scandal is always a good career move. I've also written for Hustler about the sordid and ticklish world of foot fetishism (a piece which required me to tell more than one friend that, no, it wasn't my kink - I was merely writing about it), UFO freaks, sex surrogates and medicinal marijuana. On a slightly more upscale note, I've penned numerous sex and medical articles for Penthouse Forum. My first was a feature on a Miami plastic surgeon who had developed a novel way to make the penis larger. I stroked that golden goose for a long, long time, until the good doctor was eventually nailed for insurance fraud and letting a patient - a very popular South American singer - die while in his care. It's a shame, too; I know I could have marketed him a dozen times more. I've also written about sex in outer space, sexuality from the womb to the grave, a close-up look at sexual arousal, sexually explicit instructional videos, prison groupies, sexual trends among Gen-Xers and, most recently, the adult section on eBay. By the way, it was while researching the article on instructional sex videos that I found myself discussing the pleasures of anal sex with a beautiful woman named Angel over Sunday brunch at the TGI Friday's in Boca Raton - the only time I've been able to chat about that particular subject and actually take it off my income taxes as a business expense. My point? In a business as dirty as writing, it's sometimes hard to stay clean. That's why God invented pseudonyms. Like a condom, you should always have one handy. It could save your life.
Hermann Franck has another book, The Post Debutant, out at iuniverse publishers. Nothing wakes up a debutante like a murder charge... You can find a story summary here, under novels. ~ Check out my column at http://www.AbsoluteWrite.com on - what else?! - writing porn. This week I talk about stuffing your fetish stories full of chocolate chips...well, maybe you have to be there... ~ If you ever send me something but don't see it here in the next issue, don't worry, I'm not dissing you, I just forgot! Please feel free to email me again with your info and you're sure to receive a heartfelt apology... =========================================== The markets book is coming along slowly (much more slowly than I expected, of course, sigh) but surely. I'm making a lot of editor contacts and am hoping to have it ready by January. If you know of any markets, either paying or VERY high quality non-paying, let me know, maybe I can add them to the book. I'd also like to add editor Q and A's to the book and the newsletter. I've got the basic questions - how long in the biz, what writers do right and wrong, etc - but let me know what YOU want to hear from those sometimes elusive editors. =========================================== I've always had a fascination for thesauruses, dictionaries, and other collections of words and phrases, and now comes (if you'll pardon the term) THE BALD-HEADED HERMIT & THE ARTICHOKE. I also love to look up naughty words in the dictionary. In the past I haven't had much success, since the bluenoses that put these volumes together seem to operate under the mistaken belief that if rude and dirty words aren't listed in dictionaries, they won't exist. Now, I can look all sorts of things up in this useful--and fun--tome. And what's more, you can, too. Toronto psychiatrist and journalist Peterkin has put together a seductive volume, consisting of the mundane four-letter words and phrases you see scrawled on walls, as well as some fairly cryptic stuff ("Jersey cities" and "chee-chees" for breasts, "go like a rat up a rhododendron" for "to copulate"). As Dr. Peterkin says, "the language for things sexual in English is outrageously rich." The good doctor also says that erotic slang in the English speaking nations--the United States, Canada, Great Britain, Australia, etc.--"number into the tens of thousands; =penis= alone has well over 1,400 synonyms." And don't I know that. Those 1400 synonyms take up seven pages. Believe me, nothing else in the book comes close to the space given to penis and its pals. Of course, in the past it was heterosexual men who made the slang and wrote it down for later generations to whisper salaciously to their friends, and various groups such as, oh, women and gays and lesbians, in short anyone not a heterosexual man, were short-changed; often terms relating to those "fringe" groups were less than positive. As the good doctor says in the "vagina" section, "many of these terms are derogatory, often deriving from male fear and/or ignorance." Quite unlike other compilations, this one includes words for the gay and lesbian community as well. THE BALD-HEADED HERMIT is divided into over one hundred sections, ranging from Abdomen to Wife, with numerous stops along the way for Androgyne, Breast Implants, Condom, Fellatio, Lick, Lust, Menage a Trois, Nipples, Pubic Hair (sections for both Female Pubic Hair and Male Pubic Hair), Transsexual, Underwear (General and Male), etc. Peterkin lists the routine vulgar words as well as the amazingly obscure. In the Genitalia, Female (General) section I found "beaver," and "bearded clam," words most of us are familiar with if we've read more than seven books in our lifetimes. But what about these: ace of spades, antipodies (well, just how erotic is =that=?), black badger, Cape Horn, Cupid's corner (or Cupid's cave), Eve's custom house, gutted rabbit, hairy magnet, Lord knows what, map of Tassie, rubyfruit, and a host of other colorful slang. Some expressions are quite poetic: "air the orchid" (Female Masturbation) and "crystal palace" (Male Brothel). Food and sex being tied irrevocably?? together many of the synonyms seem rather tasty: candy stick, eat a tuna taco, eat sushi, pineapple, cheesecake, cherry pie, mustard, get one's banana peeled, cake, cauliflower, cabbage (and cabbage field and patch), golden doughnut, jam, jelly-roll, hot tamale, cantaloupes, gourds, dumplings, chestnuts, guavas, honeydews, peanuts, pears, peaches, marshmallows, meatballs, bell peppers, cupcakes, sugar cookies, give mutton for beef, tootsie roll--excuse me, but my stomach is rumbling right about now. The book is sprinkled throughout with black and white photos and drawings from various decades; the press release says it contains "numerous naughty pictures." Interestingly enough, those three words are in boldface and larger type than the rest of the sentence. I guess that was something that was supposed to just leap out and draw your eyes. Excuse me, your "baby blues," your "mince pies," your "Nelly Blighs," ... you get the picture. My only criticism of this passion primer is that Peterkin did not list derivations of these fascinating words. I would have loved to see just where and when an erection became known as "on the honk" (or "on the bonk"), not to mention "tilt in one's kilt and "crimson crowbar." Well, a cross-reference would have been nice, too; you're out of luck if you know the phrase already but not what it means ("boo-boo head" refers to a type of person, not a body part). Overall, though, this is a fun and interesting book, and no more can sloppy smut scriveners say, "his big penis entered her." Nope. Now the "beaver cleaver/bulging basket/donkey dick/big boy bassoon/nine-inch knocker can bore, dig, drill, drive, force, hammer, impale, insert, invade, jab, lance, nail, needle, peel, pierce, plow, plunge, poke, pound, probe, prod, pry, ream, rip, skew, slam, slash, slit, spear, spread, stab, stick, tear, thrust, and whack. Believe it or not, I did leave some synonyms out. If you think of words not listed in any and all of this section, don't worry. The author provides the address and Web site of the publisher for word submissions. I've already thought of two. Oh, by the way, "bald-headed hermit" (or "bald-headed candidate" or "bald-headed mouse") refers to both the penis and the glans, while "artichoke" is "a poetic metaphor for vagina, referring to that plant's leaves, and the sensuous pleasure of peeling and eating the flesh between them." So, now you know, next time someone asks you at a cocktail party. (ARSENAL PULP PRESS, 1999)
ISBN 1-55152-063-X, 154 pages, $13.95 (US), $16.95 (Canada).
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=========================================== I haven't had a bad experience with names yet, but I anticipate some blending and "outing" of myself shortly. I am normally rather reclusive but I decided to go for a walk today and ended up stopping by a neighborhood bookstore I'd been meaning to check out. There was a sign on the wall advertising a local writer's festival and the shop owner mentioned that they were still looking for published writers to read their work during the festival. "I'm a published writer," I told him, "but I don't think you'd want me in your festival." "Why not?" he asked. "If your writing is good, we'd love to have you read." "Well...I write erotica." I've allowed myself to feel "ghetto-ized" because of my chosen genre and I expected the shop owner to reply with something like, "oh, yeah, you can't read *that* in public around here!" To my surprise, he was very supportive! "Oh yes, good erotica would be a wonderful addition to the festival," he said. "Bring some of your work by and let me have a look at it. I'm on the screening committee and I can tell you right away whether we'll want you to read your work." So now I'm gathering up some of my shorter, more literary, erotica pieces. One part of me wants to forget about the whole thing and stay here in the relative anonymity of mailing and e-mailing submissions to editors and another part of me is thrilled at the opportunity and crossing my fingers that my work is accepted. But through it all runs the realization that I've just "outed" myself in my local community and not only have I lived to tell the tale, I've been accepted with open arms. So it seems that having chosen a pseudonym will, in the long run, be little more than a decorative ornamentation on my writing. I'm taking the first
nervous steps towards being open about my writing in my everyday world -- in Southeastern Idaho, no less! I'm slightly apprehensive, extremely exhilarated and about to fuse my self-inflicted schizophrenic selves even
more tightly together than ever before.
It's always hard for me to answer that in a nutshell, because it's a fairly complicated process. From finding and researching your markets to tailoring your stories to fit to contacting editors, it takes perseverence and hard work. To start with, read everything you can get your hands on. Read the stories and articles in the publications you'd like to sell to. Read any how-to info you can find. Do Your Homework! It's very rare that someone can take a first (personal) effort and make it saleable without a lot of hard work, so don't fear rejection, but do try to learn from it. --- Send me your questions! I'll answer the most common and/or interesting ones here, and if I don't know the answer, I'll do my best to find a pro who does. =========================================== I'd love articles on specific markets. There are so many sub genres of porn and it's hard to know the subtleties of each. If you've got a specialty, from BDSM to Watersports to Leg Sex to Amputeeism, feel free to share your knowledge. You can either suggest a topic (query) or send something whole. I'll get back to you within a week as to whether or not I'll be able to use it. Right now I'm paying with a copy of the updated It's A Dirty Job...(plus credits) but as SOON as this site is self-supporting I'll be able to offer some cash. =========================================== And you have been, thank you! If you haven't heard from me in a couple of days, EMAIL ME AGAIN! I probably screwed up and didn't get/see/notice your question or comment. Tell me what you want this newsletter to be, tell me what info you need to have, tell me what you like or (oh, alright) dislike about what's going on here. ===============CLASSIFIEDS================ ========================================== Writing Porn For Fun and Profit! Katy Terrega |